Still figuring out happiness? Things you can do now that your younger self may have needed.

Yesterday I spoke at my secondary school. I gave the talk my 14-year-old self needed and never heard. I didn’t prepare much mainly because it was organised on short notice but more so because the most important thing to me was to show being my most authentic self. It is the trick to everything that has taken me 15 years to figure out. And as you know, if you have followed me for a while, I have lived around the world, worked for Warner Brothers performing, founded and walked away from a 6-figure property business and had many toxic relationships. 

Authenticity (I will elaborate below) truly does give you good relationships, the dream romantic partner, feeling fulfilled daily, not waking up at 6 am (if it really is something you dread, I know I do I’m a 10am starter),  a daily sense of calmness, not starting life on a Monday and waiting for Friday. Listening to your needs and the financial wealth you deserve or maybe only dream of. If all of this seems too good to be true, stay with me. And out of curiosity ask yourself, is it because you personally or anyone directly around you haven’t had it before? 

What performance expectations look like

In hindsight for me the performative expectation started at school from what I can remember. From dressing, speaking a certain way to fit in, all subconsciously. I was very outwardly confident and never felt the need to…it just happens and this is the problem that I see so often. The learnt behaviour starts young. So authenticity looks like your real self; you with your best friend feeling completely at ease, comfortable and laughing. It looks like you putting on your body whatever clothes you feel like for that day. If you feel the need to work from your bed in your pyjamas you do. The stuff you talk about or do and research in your spare time or where you find passion, it’s the way you attract money. 

It doesn’t look like “me and partner argue all the time and he tells me I can overreact it upsets me sometimes but it's ok.” Or “I will wear make up and tight clothing today because I’m going on that date.” “Don’t tell that friend I’m with you she’ll be jealous and I can’t cope with the aggro”. “Let’s build this business because there's a gap in the market and we can make lots of money”. “Taking on the date with baggage because you have fallen in love and can change all the red flags, green”. “Convince the client to sign because you’re not sure if you believe in the brand but want the money”. 

You get the picture and I’m sure by being truthfully honest with yourself you can work out your version of this. I want to clarify some of the things I have mentioned don’t quite apply to the concept if you for instance are picking the tight outfit because you love it and just want to wear it today as opposed to the subconscious believing it will validate your date and the outcome you desire. This can be a tough thing to figure out, I know, so if you’re not sure, ask yourself would you feel as confident in the outcome if you picked the opposite attire?

Authenticity is a place of alignment, where in every decision in business, love, life and the opportunities in front of us are answered or chosen based on the fact we believe we are enough to truly get the outcome we desire as oppose to thinking we need to take the one in front of us because that’s all that’s on offer. When we do this it that demonstrates the lack of alignment (authenticity) and ultimately doesn’t lead to the outcome we actual want linked to that particular area in our life. Those decisions come from a place of fear (of failing, impatience, or being judged) or your belief system (past trauma) truly not believing you can have your desires.

By the way, I have DONE AND BEEN all of those things that are not working from our authentic self 😂 it’s all what we call performative. Which is why I’m telling you from experience and from working with my mentor and many clients it DOES not lead to longevity happiness with a sense of calmness, safety and feeling truly fulfilled for life. 

How you can step up into being your most authentic self

Now I’m not saying this route is easy. I certainly haven’t found it to be so. If you are intrigued to figure out yours, it starts by believing you can have all of those things and a life like that. I know that sounds mad and simple but honestly I am truly a living experience of it, my mentor and my clients are as well. The moment I was able to trust that making money is easy and I mean five…six figures of pure profit, and I know seven will come in my lifetime. Working at ease, not everyday and not every hour. Being my true self, just ME, because I have gifts (my passion and purpose) and so do you is the way I should monetise my energy. That I am enough with no make up on, baggy clothes to attract my husband. Now I’m sure you can guess these have been some of my personal blocks but I’m telling you guys I had to work on it and unpack it being brave and vulnerable because my backup belief system told me differently.

We all have different blocks, these look like our beliefs and morals, that ultimately come from a pattern of our thoughts. Also heavily influenced by what you are surrounded by, your family or culture, all our previous encounters of success or the outcome of situations which leads to us embedding behavioural patterns. And repeating them, hence we get the same outcome. The societal hierarchy adds another setback of placed privileges like ‘white’, ‘able’, ‘male’, ‘pretty’, ‘skinny’ to name just a few, to contend with. (You can read more around this concept on my blog on privilege)

You have to be willing to dig deep and be vulnerable with yourself

So to tackle our own wiring and unravel our layers to become authentically us and get our desires, it has to come from a place of being willing to be vulnerable, to really look at ourselves to be accountable and ready for tough growth. This is hard, because guess what, it’s easy to learn a skill to fix a problem or build a business for someone else or not have the uncomfortable conversation in a relationship. Why? Because it becomes about us and not anyone else.

The fear that we could be judged, that we might fail and that it’s what I’ve always thought I was good at so it’s easier not to try, or we might be put in a really scary unknown situation leaving a life and partner that my back belief system hasn’t got an answer on ‘how to deal with?’, so we don’t bother or give every excuse not to. “It’s easier to live in certainty than to walk away and towards uncertainty”. But what your brain isn’t also telling you is that ‘certainty’ will never lead you to feeling truly fulfilled and happy, or having a life you could only dream of. 

So this is the work you need to start if you are reading this and are feeling trapped by blocks around your limited beliefs or patterns of behaviour. Looking inward not outward whatever frightens you the most, start there and don’t let your ego fool you. Be brave and ask your heart. As soon as we know, we are not afraid to be alone, we are not afraid to fail, be judged, get it wrong, and risk the fear of being poor to get rich. To be soft, cry and be emotional as a female leader, We win.

It’s where you will feel clarity to choose the most fulfilling relationships, you won’t feel afraid to say ‘no’ to a best friend in case they ultimately leave you in your friendship. Your triggers will lessen, calm will come and your belief system can be rebuilt. To leave a job that doesn’t make you feel inspired or alive to get to Friday.

So to take you back to the start, I told everyone I met yesterday in the assembly, “if chasing everything you think will serve you happiness or fulfilment to have the staged life you think you are meant to have, it won’t lead you there. At every point of our life we are looking up to our ‘elders’, people of safety, teachers, the icons that are more successful in our field than us but that doesn’t hold any extrinsic value, you can’t measure their happiness to equate to yours. “Everyone is winging it…everyone questions what they are doing…and you will always know what’s best for you. If you feel lost look inward not outward for your answers.”

“If you fail everything at school, that does not define your ability to succeed without it. It’s just one chapter of your life”.

“Don’t let anyone tell you differently.”

Be authentically you, always.